F.E.A.R.

 

So I stopped blogging along time ago for a few reasons...one I am a poor writer I felt like everyone was looking at my blog wanting to correct my grammar, two I have a hard time communicating my thoughts and/or feelings to anyone about anything... that was the purpose of this blog... and three I was short on time.  So I have come to the conclusion, if you are someone who is important in my life and truly care about me you won't give a shit of how my grammar is, I am going to do the best I can with my communicating my thoughts and feelings and I have more time now.
     
              Fear....I have come to realize that fear has been running my life, my whole life. I was afraid to go away to college because my crack head mother told me the week that I was to leave that she didn't like who I was dating so she and my dad were not paying for me to go, so what I should have done was taken out student loans and just went.  I was so scared to go into debt, I was scared to leave Muskegon, as I look back on it probably normal things to be scared of but, I had no one to teach me that being scared is ok, it doesn't mean you don't do it, you deal with the fear and do it anyways!! I FEAR most everything to some extent, I fear going on vacation because something might happen to my house when I am gone, I fear spending money on myself because what happens if my car breaks down and I could have used the money for that, I fear letting a man fully in my life because he may hurt me like my ex did. I could go on and on but that was just off the top of my head.  As I sit and think about it I wonder how I have gotten to this place in my life...is it because I never had that older wiser women figure in my life to teach me coping skills....is it because my life has not turned out anything like I thought it would. I guess that doesn't matter how I got here but more importantly how do I correct it?